Ok, this is another departure from proper blogging, but I got Total Film magazine and this was in it. And it was too great not to share. Especially since I'm somehow getting views from North America and Germany- I have no clue.
But anyway, here is Total Film's 60 second version of The Dark Knight Rises:
FADE IN:
EXT. AIRFIELD
Masked mercenary TOM HARDY hijacks a plane mid-flight to show how badass he is.
TOM HARDY
Fargarble bwurble sassen frassen rassen
AIDEN GILLEN
Er... what?
TOM HARDY
Ah, you must not be watching this at the Imax. (Clears throat) I said, Bane on this plane means Bruce Wayne will be slain...
INT. WAYNE MANOR
Cat burglar ANNE HATHAWAY breaks into CHRISTIAN BALE's safe.
CHRISTIAN BALE
You're not the French maid hooker I ordered! I must stop you with my bow and arrow as archery is so hot right now.
ANNE HATHAWAY
Whatever, grandpa.I'm out of here, but not before kicking your ass to show how frail you've become in exile. Laters!
MICHAEL CAINE
Don't worry Master Wayne, it's me job to look after you and talk slowly and distinctly.
MARION COTILLARD
I' a suspiciously useless character. Pay me no attention.
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Mr Wayne? Police. I'm a righteous orphan who wants to fight crime.
CHRISTIAN BALE
You're... you're not Robin, are you?
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
Everyone knows Robin wouldn't work in these movies. I knew you were Batman when I saw you smile because we're both secretly sad.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Whatever. As long as you're not Robin. Time to suit up!
INT. WALL STREET
TOM HARDY shoots up the stock exchange to defraud CHRISTIAN BALE, even though everyone sees him do it. Batman takes chase.
ANNE HATHAWAY
I can take you to Tom Hardy's secret underground lair.
CHRISTIAN BALE
What the... A trap? It's true what they say: never trust a criminal who hates everything you stand for.
TOM HARDY
Mr Wayne! All aboard Bane's pain train!
TOM dumps CHRISTIAN in a prison pit on the other side of the world while he threatens to nuke Gotham.
CHRISTIAN BALE
Damn you, Bane! Gotham is dying while I'm stuck in this hellhole!
TOM CONTI
We have sunlight and food, and no guards. Think of it as a gym.
CHRISTIAN BALE
I'll climb out of this pit, despite my serious injuries!
Buoyed by CHRISTIAN BALE's return, Gotham rises up in a way that people who haven't seen the film will compare to the Occupy movement.
ANNE HATHAWAY
Can I kill Bane? I don't know what he was saying anyway.
TOM HARDY
Lame. [DIES]
MARION COTILLARD
I'm the REAL villain! Time to destroy Gotham for reasons my father only partially conveyed!
CHRISTIAN BALE
Never! I'll use my flying thingy to explode the nuke over water.
The nuke explodes, killing CHRISTIAN BALE, except MICHAEL CAINE later spots him with ANNE HATHAWAY in Florence.
CHRISTIAN BALE
With Gotham safe and me free of Batman I can finally live my life in peace. Because I've not done that for the past 8 years...
JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT
By the way, I AM Robin.
CHRISTIAN BALE
[Expletive-filled rant]
ENDS
I hope you loved this as much as I did.
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